The essence of Conflicts in a Relationship

Conflict seems to be the very stuff of life, bringing up all the most difficult emotions — anger, mistrust, resentment, loneliness — and the saddest outcomes. It makes us sad, depressed, but also unhealthy.

A broken heart is not only a metaphor, but a reality: the physical consequences of aggression and fighting are felt much longer after a strong discussion ends, in the whole body. High conflict situations can literally and really kill you or make your heart suffer.

There must be other ways of solving interpersonal conflicts….Up until now, we wanted to win in each confrontation, by convincing the other side how wrong he or she was.

After how many of those “deadly combat situations,” how come that we see ourselves loneliest and more isolated than ever?

 Winning that argument, only to feel that it was an empty victory, because we are not either more loved or respected….. There is a pervasive belief that there are left “no alternatives for us,” but to fight to win.

As you know, if you can admit it, paradoxically, in human relationships, by “winning over the others,” you lose big time.

Is there any other way to do conflicts than to have a winner and a loser?

Can we develop skills to do things differently?

Can we get what we want or need, without fighting?

Or, even better, with the other person’s cooperation and support?

Of course you can, but it takes a little work to understand, first what we are doing in a manner that is unproductive and ineffective, and then to learn what has to be done in a more intelligent way.

 

Why do we fight?

Because we need something from the people around us! We want acceptance, respect, being given a right place in our groups, families and all that is what we call “love”

Let’s take a look at how the world around us works, and then try to understand why things are as they are:

• In any office, there are people who can’t stand others; everything that is said and done around the water cooler provokes jealousy and a deep resentment. Underneath that level, competition for raises, better working conditions and respect is rampant. The competitive assumption around us is that whatever the other gets is taken from me, and this way of thinking will make inevitable the conflict between us.
  
• Interpersonal relationships need nurturing and care. If you forget this basic rule, you will be surprised by the endless variety of ways the other person will develop to call your attention, some of them good and positive and others obnoxious and even risky….all is preferable to being ignored! People will get sick, get into work-related problems and even drink in excess, all to be able to have a caring eye on them, all not to be left alone.
  
• When teenagers rebel, they are seeking to discover the limits imposed to them, and to practice stretching them…for anxious fathers, this is a confrontation to the end; they get terribly scared and try to produce rigid limits, putting themselves on the line. If the conflict escalates, it becomes a different thing: the old myth of the young having to destroy the power of the old, to be able to grow takes over. Nobody wants this, but they don’t know what else to do but to escalate positions and fight up to keep their own pride intact, until someone gives up; at this point there is little of the relationship left.
  
• Good neighbors can continue being so, if economics are even. When there is a disparity, and in a progressively more materialistic society, the family that owns less is sometimes left aside. Some people tend to feel that economic problems are somewhat contagious and don’t want to bother themselves contemplating the needs of others. At this point, the family set aside by others develops a rancorous attitude and will find some excuse to organize a territorial conflict, only to demonstrate that they are still there

Conflict is a way of relating to others, a way of calling out for support, connection and recognition. Deny this basic fact of life and you will be enmeshed into very nasty situations, or accept this situation in your own live and learn.

We, at Positive Conflicts are ready to help you decide what you need to do to live a better, richer life.

A life with mastery over confrontations either generated by you or by others.

A life with more control of the process and outcome of any discussion, not withstanding how difficult the issue can be.

You will live without fear of conflict, following the good ideas, suggestions and techniques included in the digital book, offered by www.positiveconflicts.com

Your Friend,
Neil Warner